3 Things I Thought Were Love

What if some of the things we once thought were proof of love were actually signs of fear, insecurity or emotional dependence?

In this episode, I talk about three things I used to interpret as love when I was younger and now, as an adult, I see them very differently.

We also get into why feeling “special” can make us mistake unhealthy behaviour for affection, and what changes when you stop relying on someone else's behaviour to tell you what you're worth.

A little uncomfortable, a little reflective, and hopefully useful.

The written version below isn’t a transcript. It actually goes deeper. I unpack the ideas a little more and explore some of the things I couldn't fit into the episode. Listen, read, or do both.

Content note: This episode contains a brief mention of suicide.

When I was nineteen, a boyfriend said to me, completely out of nowhere:

“You know I know where they sell ropes.”

I said, “What does that even mean?”

He said, “To hang myself if you leave me.”

I laughed so hard and told him he was such a funny bloke and we both laughed it off.

I never thought he meant it literally. To me, he was expressing how much he didn’t want to lose me.

And as frightening as that sentence sounds to me now as an adult, as a 19-year-old, I interpreted it to mean: This person loves me so much.

He’s still very much alive now, and married with kids (just in case you’re wondering).

A few days ago, on my way to work, a girl I used to know from the gym crossed my mind. She was beautiful and so full of life. We weren’t close at all, but I’d see her when I got to the gym and she was quite playful and frequently interacted with multiple people.

I’d heard what happened to her a while after I moved away from the area. She’d ended things with the man she was dating. He begged her not to go. She left anyway, and that same day, he took his own life. His family decided she was the reason, and she was arrested.

I don’t know all the details of that story, but thinking about her made me think about the things I thought were love when I was in my teens and early twenties that now, as an adult, I’d view as giant red flags.

My Former Green Flags

1. “I can’t live without you.”

When someone said that to me, I’d feel it meant I was truly special.

What??? You mean to tell me a whole human being couldn’t function without me?This must mean they loved me so much. But now, if someone said that to me or anyone close to me, I’d scream red flag 🚩

There’s a difference between: “I don’t want to picture my life without you.” and “I literally cannot live without you.”

The first is an expression of love. The second makes another person responsible for whether you live or die. And that’s very unfair.

There is no one person who is indispensable. There are people we love deeply. People whose absence would hurt terribly. People whose loss would change us. But as human beings, we can survive loss. We heal, we adapt and we rebuild.

And many times, what we miss isn’t even the person. It’s the way they made us feel. And there’s a huge difference.

The way I see it now, anyone who isn’t emotionally mature enough to accept that relationships can fail and that that’s okay, isn’t ready for a relationship.

Period!!!

2. Jealousy

When a boyfriend got jealous seeing me speaking to someone else, I’d interpret it as a sign of love.

“Aww. He wants to be the only one I talk to because he loves me so much.”

Bruh 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

That’s not love, it’s fear. Fear that you’re going to be replaced. Fear that you’re not enough. It’s insecurity.

Just to be clear, I’m not referring to jealousy stemming from a partner doing what we’d term “relationship stuff” with other people. For example, constantly exchanging pictures or having daily calls talking about intimate things.

I’m talking about something much more ordinary.

A boyfriend getting angry because someone else made me laugh. Or because I smiled when I greeted the guy next door and he smiled back. Or because I walked back from school with a classmate on the way home and not them.

Feeling a little jealous doesn’t automatically make someone a terrible partner. We’re human and sometimes, we do feel jealous.

It’s totally alright to even say: “I felt a bit jealous seeing you talking to that person.”

That’s very different from turning that feeling into rules for someone else.

“Don’t talk to him.”

“Don’t be friends with her.”

“Why do you need other friends?”

“You shouldn’t have anyone but me.”

If someone can’t understand that you will have other people in your life, and encourage those relationships, then that’s a red flag 🚩

3. Making me the centre of their world

When I was younger, this was what I thought love was. If someone built their entire world around me, it meant they loved me so much. I was the air they breathed. Everything revolved around me.

Right now, if someone did that, I’d feel they didn’t have a life to begin with. And that would be a red flag 🚩

Everyone should have a life and things going on in their life.

They should have a job, hobbies, friends and personal time and space to do the things they love. They should have their own goals and interests.

And yes, we can build a beautiful life together, but I don’t want to be someone’s entire world. I’d be more than happy to be an important part of a very full world. Because, if every waking and sleeping moment is about me, then letting go is going to be a hell of a problem. And trust me, nobody wants to be in that situation.

You should be able to love someone deeply without losing yourself in them.

So why did I think these things were love?

I think I’ve realised something about myself as I’ve grown up.

I wanted to feel special.

Growing up, it seemed like it was important to be special to someone.

So when someone said: “I can’t live without you.”

I heard: I’m special.

When someone got jealous because I spoke to someone else: I’m special.

When someone made me the centre of their entire world: I’m REALLY special.

And when you’re getting your sense of worth from how intensely another person responds to you, these things can feel amazing. Well, until they don’t.

Because the same person who makes you feel incredibly special can eventually do something that makes you feel completely insignificant. And then, you’re on a rollercoaster.

Someone is affectionate? You’re amazing.

Someone is distant? You’re suddenly questioning yourself.

Someone chooses you? You’re worthy.

Someone doesn’t? You’re crushed.

If you ask me, that’s a terrible way to live.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that I’m in charge of my happiness. I’m the one who ought to decide what I am and who I am. If I leave that to external feedback, then, it just means I’m not ready to live a full life.

I determine my worth from within and I don’t need another person to act a certain way to validate what I’ve already established.

It’s like waiting for someone to tell me I’m a girl so I know that I’m a girl.

Bruhhh! (I just remembered when I went nuclear on Claude for always addressing me as a he. Story for another day 😂)

You can act however you want. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m a girl. That I’m very certain of. And this is how certain we have to be about our worth.

When you know who you are, you don’t need other people to constantly prove it to you. And strangely enough, I think that’s when you can actually see relationships more clearly.

You can allow someone to have friends without feeling threatened.

You can allow someone to have a life outside of you.

You can recognise that jealousy is sometimes just jealousy, rather than proof of love.

You can understand that a relationship ending doesn’t mean yours or someone else’s life should be over.

And you can love someone deeply without making them responsible for your existence.

So if you’re young, or maybe even older, and you’ve interpreted some of these things as love, maybe it’s time for a rethink.

Are these really signs of love? Or are they signs of fear, insecurity and instability?

Thanks for reading amigo. Catch you next time ❤️